By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Have you ever heard of the Vector Principle? It is based upon 360 degrees in a compass where North is 0 or 360, East is 90, South is 180 and West is 270. Airport runways are named according to their directional orientation, like "Runway 18" pointing south (180 degrees).

So what does that have to do with making small positive changes in relationships?

A small heading, or directional, change of say 3 degrees may not appear like much at the start. But following those headings will lead to a huge difference over time and distance.

The picture at right has an airplane bound for Paris making a slight heading deviation of several degrees and ending up in Egypt. Quite a difference!

The vector principle gives hope to those facing marriage and relationship challenges. Even small positive changes now, sustained over time, will lead to a much different outcome than no changes at all.

Our RINGS Experience classes are based upon making small, manageable changes that, over time, make a huge difference. For Ronda and me, the RINGS Chat on a daily basis has us at a much healthier place than if we had never made this small change years ago.

What small positive changes could you make today?

By Lavern Nissley for Tuesday@10:10 blogpost

One of the questions we often ask couples is, "What kind of examples did you have of a healthy marriage?"

Unfortunately, not many couples refer to their own parents as an example to follow. In a room full of 12-15 couples, perhaps 1 or 2 people raise their hands to affirm their own parents' marriage example. Likely the "chilling effect" for many millennials whose parents didn't leave them a healthy marriage legacy is to shy away from marriage altogether.

While no marriage is perfect, wouldn't it be great to see more and more children quickly identifying their own parents as models of healthy marriages? Instead of behaviors to be avoided ("I'll never have a marriage like my parents!"), how refreshing it would be to hear, "My parents gave me a blueprint for what a good/great marriage looks like. I won't settle for anything else."

Think about what your own children would say about your marriage. "Their marriage was characterized by . . ." What words will they use to describe it?

We love working with couples who really want to maximize their marriage health. What a breath of fresh air! They seem motivated NOT to get stuck in a generational rut that leaves both partners damaged and children clueless on how to communicate and resolve conflicts productively.

Often it requires some education, or re-education. Those couples who go through The RINGS Experience (a class we offer for couples) walk away with tangible tools to leave a healthy marriage legacy. Spending time with a healthy couple or two can provide inspiration and motivation to settle for nothing but a beautiful marriage.

If that's your dream, we would love to hear about it and how your own marriage journey is progressing toward it. If you're needing help getting to marriage health, we are glad to help.

By Lavern Nissley for Tuesday@10:10 blogpost

Our 37th anniversary dinner on December 29 kind of ended in a train wreck. Somehow we got into a tangle about expectations surrounding finances. Emotion. Escalation. Exasperation. Things said that we regretted. If you've been married any length of time, you get the picture. More on how it worked out later.

February 7-14 is National Marriage Week, timed to coincide with Valentine's Day. "Love" is a big thing this time of year with all kinds of nice flowers, hearts, candies and items that say "love is in the air". And marriage, of all human relationships, should reflect the presence of love, right?

But is love ALL we need?

No.

Love IS an important ingredient in any human relationship. But, talking marriages now . . . it sure isn't the ONLY thing we need. We also need SKILLS on how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts productively. Without those skills love has a way of "cooling off" and damaging relationships.

The 8 hour RINGS Experience for couples is a way to learn, practice and implement habits and skills that really keep the love "hot". Here's what several people had to say about the class:

• "This class brought us an intimacy level that we had been lacking for about a year."
• "Thank you so much! I had a very negative opinion of this course and marriage prior to today, but WOW, what 8 hours will do!"
• "Great experience! I now feel if we use these tools, our marriage can be saved."

Back to our ill-fated anniversary dinner. We still struggle and have to work hard in our marriage, even after 37 years. But we're so glad for the tools/skills we've acquired along the way to help us navigate the inevitable train wrecks. We were able to talk through our conflict productively in about 30 minutes and end our 37th anniversary on a positive note.

​Love wasn't the only thing we needed. Several simple relationship skills quickly got us back on track after the derailment.

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

​Ronda and I have intersected with hundreds of married couples over the past 25 years. We've noticed the following:

• Healthy married couples almost always have a DAILY point of connection that enables them to share information, appreciations, dreams, needs and how they are feeling.
• Struggling married couples almost never have such a point of connection.
• Hmmmm . . .

So, the RINGS Chat from our RINGS Experience class for couples was designed to help ALL couples experience a DAILY point of connection that could be refreshing, non-threatening and fun. And able to be done in a compressed or expanded time frame. For us it's usually 10-15 minutes every day.

Does it prevent all conflicts and disagreements? No. We're still human and prone to selfishness. The point of the RINGS Chat is NOT to sprinkle magical fairy dust over ourselves and have a "lived happily ever after" relationship. But the RINGS Chat, over time, does build closeness and intimacy. Isn't that worth 10-15 minutes a day?

If you have been through The RINGS Experience, you already know the basic layout of the RINGS Chat; if not, then we would love to have you take a peek at it in the video demo at right. Then try it out yourselves.

For RINGS Experience alumni, we invite you to weigh in on social media about your own journey with the RINGS Chat. Let us know how it has worked for you, what adaptations you've made and any encouragement to "newbies".

Disclaimer: Not all couples will benefit from the RINGS Chat. Where the 3 A's exist (abuse, affairs, addictions), professional resources like counseling/intervention should be sought.

​Enjoy!

Purchase RINGS Chat cards in our Store

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

I've read hundreds of Facebook posts and shares on marriage. "3 steps" of this, "4 tips" on that, "5 ways" to improve your sex life. Many are excellent and insightful, but today I'd like for you to see one of my all time favorites.

It was posted September 15, 2015 by Jeff Cook, our daughter-in-law's father, a former Cedarville University professor and currently working with CrossPurpose Center for Urban Leadership in Denver, Colorado.

Someone asked me recently in an interview how we have balanced marriage/family life and ministry over the years. This was what I told them:

Early in our first church-planting ministry my wife sat me down, looked me in the eye and told me in no uncertain terms, “Jeff, you have to decide if you are married to me or to that church.”

I tried, of course, to bob and weave and make her feel guilty for being an obstacle to me serving God and people. The fact was that I was way overcommitted in ministry, and I was leaving my family in the dust. It was a shot across the bow, and I knew then I needed some boundaries. I listened. She has been the best barometer for how I am balancing those priorities for the past forty years. It’s never easy, and you never are totally “balanced.” But you work at it, and listen to people who love you.

“Take heed to yourselves, and to the flock over which the Lord has made you overseers.” (Paul to the Ephesian elders, Acts 20.)

If you don’t take care of yourselves first, you will have no ministry.

This wisdom doesn't apply just to ministry leaders. It applies to anyone tempted to make an outside allegiance or affection more important than the marriage. It could be work, school, sports, coffee club, kids, parents, a home improvement project--all good, but not to become a higher priority than the marriage.

For the record, "Ronda Nissley, I'm married fully to you and no other entity!"

Thank you, Jeff and Inge, for this reminder!

Jeff and Inge Cook, Denver, Colorado

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

On August 25 we posted a three part series of articles by Ronda Nissley on serotonin and its effects upon relationships.

In case you missed the series or the links to Parts 2 and 3, we are bringing them your way again today.

CLICK ON TITLES BELOW TO READ ARTICLES

• Unlocking the serotonin mystery (Part 1 of 3 posts)
• The serotonin tank (Part 2 of 3 posts)
• Serotonin-healthy relationships (Part 3 of 3 posts)

Thank you, Ronda, for sharing your interesting finds!


Enjoy!

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Have you ever run down your cell phone to the point it simply went blank? Likely you used it quite a bit, and recharging it just plain didn't happen soon enough.

Marriages can get run down, too. Failing to recharge on a regular basis leaves them as blank as a dead cell phone.

From personal experience I suggest at least three crucial areas to recharge your marriage, and all three areas are encouraged (as opposed to selecting only one or two). And it's important to address these three areas together as a couple (rather than individually), if possible.

1. Put down your spiritual roots. Whether this means reading inspirational scriptures, praying together, listening to uplifting music or quietly observing the beauty of creation around you . . . make sure you are feeding yourselves spiritually. The key is to focus on that which is way bigger than you, to draw strength and hope from resources that have encouraged people for centuries.
2. Courageously express your soul. This probably sounds more scary than it is. But start with simple emotions: What are you glad about? What are you mad about? What are you sad about? What are you afraid of? The listener should not feel compelled to fix anything - just listen supportively. Also take a look at your thoughts: What are you finding fulfilling? What is challenging? What do you find yourself focusing upon?
3. Increase oxygen flow for your body. Several long, slow breaths can bring about amazing results. If you are adventuresome, higher levels of activity like walking, biking, running, rowing, jumping, swimming, etc. all serve to increase oxygen flow. Those with Fitbits or activity trackers have a great feedback tool for making sure your daily goals are achieved.

All three of these areas -- spirit, soul and body -- are interconnected and greatly impact relationships. Seeing them as crucial conduits for recharging your marriage just makes sense.

What have you found helpful in recharging your own marriage?

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog

In late March of this year I began experiencing sharp pains in my left shoulder. At first I thought it was just tendonitis, brought on by random strains. But after examination by professionals and an MRI, I was told that it's a "frozen shoulder", or adhesive capsulitis. Often it is brought on by an injury of some sort.

The remedy? Physical therapy and education. Twelve to fifteen sessions were scheduled to focus upon methodical stretching of various muscles to regain full use. Homework exercises between sessions. All causing pain and discomfort! NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

So the first appointment focused upon assessment, measuring my range of motion, which was quite limited. I couldn't even do the Ohio State "O-H-I-O" arm cheer or fold my arms in front of me - that's how stuck my left shoulder was.

Relationships and marriages can get stuck, too. Often there are relational or emotional injuries that, over time, decrease "range of motion" or healthy responses.

The remedy? Relational therapy and/or education. An investment of time and energy into learning better ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. Homework exercises between sessions. Likely causing pain and discomfort at times! NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

After about 10 physical therapy sessions for the frozen shoulder I can tell a huge difference. One range of motion measurement went from 90 degrees to 154 degrees (target is 180 degrees). 

And I can easily do the Ohio State "O-H-I-O" arm cheer and fold my arms again! I am so grateful for the physical therapists that have come along side me to educate, encourage and help make such a difference.

We've seen the same kinds of progress for stuck relationships and marriages. "Cold shoulders" have progressed to warm embraces and a return of intimacy. But not without effort and discomfort. NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

Note: MRCMV offers many programs and resources to help individuals and couples toward healthy relationships. See the listing of programs and classes.

By Lavern Nissley

Although I don't play the guitar (keyboards are my niche), I know the importance of regular tuning. Most electric and acoustic guitars have six strings, any one of which can "drift" out of tune and affect the overall pleasantness of output. This is true regardless of style or genre of music.

Many guitars have built in tuners that allow for easy adjustments. Watch any pop concert, and you'll notice guitars being swapped out constantly for tuning. Orchestras tune to the oboe because its pitch is easy to hear and is fairly stable.

According to Wikipedia, A440 or A4, which has a frequency of 440 Hz, is the musical note A above middle C and serves as a general tuning standard for musical pitch.

Marriages can easily get out of tune from A440--that tone of "healthy interaction" that is pleasing to the couple itself and those "listening". If not tuned regularly, the "drift" can make others want to cover their ears!

How do you know if you're in or out of tune? See John Gottman's research on Marriage Predictors.

Ronda and I have found that we need daily tuning of our marriage. The RINGS Chat and praying together have become our A440. Annually, we've found a resource like The Couple Checkup helpful in identifying elements in our marriage that are out of balance.

Regardless of the "personality style" of your marriage, find an A440 that keeps you in tune!