By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

​Ronda and I have intersected with hundreds of married couples over the past 25 years. We've noticed the following:

• Healthy married couples almost always have a DAILY point of connection that enables them to share information, appreciations, dreams, needs and how they are feeling.
• Struggling married couples almost never have such a point of connection.
• Hmmmm . . .

So, the RINGS Chat from our RINGS Experience class for couples was designed to help ALL couples experience a DAILY point of connection that could be refreshing, non-threatening and fun. And able to be done in a compressed or expanded time frame. For us it's usually 10-15 minutes every day.

Does it prevent all conflicts and disagreements? No. We're still human and prone to selfishness. The point of the RINGS Chat is NOT to sprinkle magical fairy dust over ourselves and have a "lived happily ever after" relationship. But the RINGS Chat, over time, does build closeness and intimacy. Isn't that worth 10-15 minutes a day?

If you have been through The RINGS Experience, you already know the basic layout of the RINGS Chat; if not, then we would love to have you take a peek at it in the video demo at right. Then try it out yourselves.

For RINGS Experience alumni, we invite you to weigh in on social media about your own journey with the RINGS Chat. Let us know how it has worked for you, what adaptations you've made and any encouragement to "newbies".

Disclaimer: Not all couples will benefit from the RINGS Chat. Where the 3 A's exist (abuse, affairs, addictions), professional resources like counseling/intervention should be sought.

​Enjoy!

Purchase RINGS Chat cards in our Store

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

I've read hundreds of Facebook posts and shares on marriage. "3 steps" of this, "4 tips" on that, "5 ways" to improve your sex life. Many are excellent and insightful, but today I'd like for you to see one of my all time favorites.

It was posted September 15, 2015 by Jeff Cook, our daughter-in-law's father, a former Cedarville University professor and currently working with CrossPurpose Center for Urban Leadership in Denver, Colorado.

Someone asked me recently in an interview how we have balanced marriage/family life and ministry over the years. This was what I told them:

Early in our first church-planting ministry my wife sat me down, looked me in the eye and told me in no uncertain terms, “Jeff, you have to decide if you are married to me or to that church.”

I tried, of course, to bob and weave and make her feel guilty for being an obstacle to me serving God and people. The fact was that I was way overcommitted in ministry, and I was leaving my family in the dust. It was a shot across the bow, and I knew then I needed some boundaries. I listened. She has been the best barometer for how I am balancing those priorities for the past forty years. It’s never easy, and you never are totally “balanced.” But you work at it, and listen to people who love you.

“Take heed to yourselves, and to the flock over which the Lord has made you overseers.” (Paul to the Ephesian elders, Acts 20.)

If you don’t take care of yourselves first, you will have no ministry.

This wisdom doesn't apply just to ministry leaders. It applies to anyone tempted to make an outside allegiance or affection more important than the marriage. It could be work, school, sports, coffee club, kids, parents, a home improvement project--all good, but not to become a higher priority than the marriage.

For the record, "Ronda Nissley, I'm married fully to you and no other entity!"

Thank you, Jeff and Inge, for this reminder!

Jeff and Inge Cook, Denver, Colorado

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

On August 25 we posted a three part series of articles by Ronda Nissley on serotonin and its effects upon relationships.

In case you missed the series or the links to Parts 2 and 3, we are bringing them your way again today.

CLICK ON TITLES BELOW TO READ ARTICLES

• Unlocking the serotonin mystery (Part 1 of 3 posts)
• The serotonin tank (Part 2 of 3 posts)
• Serotonin-healthy relationships (Part 3 of 3 posts)

Thank you, Ronda, for sharing your interesting finds!


Enjoy!

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Imagine how you would feel if you were one of the 32 million subscribers to Ashley Madison, the affair-seeking site that was recently hacked. The leaked list of subscribers, assumed to be private, can now be searched by name or email. Ed Stetzer, writing for Christianity Today, estimated that 400 church leaders (pastors, elders, staff, etc.) would be resigning this past weekend due to the damaging exposure of their indiscretions.

Yes, the idea of paying for a "discreet affair" is dark, despicable and rooted in relational disconnection and deception. Although many things that used to be wrong have now become OK, having an affair is still taboo. In fact, 81.7% of all Americans believe it is wrong.

But before we start throwing stones at others, let's take a look in the mirror. How disconnected and how transparent am I in my own marriage or relationship? These are typically the core/deeper issues, not sex per se.

We're making available two relevant resources below from our couple's class, The RINGS Experience. It's a quick, free, 2 page download, and we encourage your honest reflections with both of them.

• Journey to Disconnectedness - Developed by Tim and Linda Buttrey after they experienced an affair and saw their marriage restored.
• Questions for Self-reflection - A simple survey on determining how healthy, transparent and "high definition" your relationship is. Adapted from Bethany and Scott Palmer and Lynne M. Thompson.

Hopefully, you weren't on the Ashley Madison list. But even more, we hope you are doing everything possible to protect your marriage connection and transparency. It is so worth it!

By Joy Sherman, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Most people would never start a major project in an area where they have no expertise without consulting someone who’s “been there, done that” before. While many are adept at figuring things out as they go, the more significant a project, the more essential outside input becomes for successful results. What can be helpful is identifying an experienced individual or two to weigh in on the plans and ideas, and allowing that advice to impact the choices being made toward accomplishing the goal. Even those who start a project without input can find themselves needing to call in a more skilled person to help them out of a tight fix.

The same approach has value in preparing for and working through a marriage. Perhaps the biggest “project” you may ever tackle is merging two lives into a new union, where both partners are loved, valued and honored. Marriage mentoring, either before or during a marriage, allows a married couple, practiced in the art of “being married,” to speak into the lives of those just starting out as well as those who have encountered some obstacles on the way.

Imagine the in-love couple with stars in their eyes who may overlook some realities in a new marriage – whiskers left in the sink, a less-than-OK organizational style, burnt dinners, or any other of a variety of unique couple clashes. Brain science says that the chemicals in our brains overload our ability to see (and therefore believe) the possibility that these things may occur. Another married couple, who has lived through the gaga-eyed season of new love, can talk about the need to kindly communicate expectations and extend grace as newlyweds navigate the early months of marriage.

Or consider the folks who’ve been married awhile and suddenly realize they knew less than they thought about what it takes to be married. Enter a mentor couple stage right; the support, encouragement and helpful tools (like this RINGS chat) from seasoned veterans can often help smooth out things in a marriage where a couple seems to be hitting a lot of speed bumps.

If you’re looking for a marriage that will go the distance, considering talking to people who are trying to live the example. Marriage mentors aren’t perfect, but they’re invested in seeing your marriage succeed. Who couldn’t use someone like that on their team?

Click for more on marriage mentoring