By Ronda Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post
Ronda is co-director of Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley

H.A.L.T. - Most people familiar with 12-step recovery programs understand this acronym well. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.  H.A.L.T.  is a reminder that the presence of any one of these 4 factors can derail the best of intentions and significantly reduce if not eliminate all self-control.

Lavern and I have also used H.A.L.T.  in our own relationship and in mentoring other couples as a reminder to NOT try to resolve conflict when any of these factors are present - it typically does not end well.

Have you ever wondered why? Recently, I resolved to lose a few pounds through diet and exercise. By day 4, I was HUNGRY, ANGRY and TIRED and I was at risk of becoming LONELY by alienating those around me.  Desperate to find a way to more effectively deal with those symptoms, I googled terms like: "diet and urge to destroy" and "losing weight without losing your friends".  I discovered that the struggle was real and I was not alone. Certain research focused on the food a person eats or doesn't eat.  Other research implied that simply the act of "exercising self-control" can cause irritability. Several articles referred to "serotonin" and "serotonin depletion" as a factor.

Let me explain (in basic English) what serotonin is and how I believe it could explain the brain science behind " H.A.L.T. " and be an important consideration in our relationships. Serotonin is thought to affect a variety of physiological and psychological functions in the human body and is best known for its impact on mood and its role in clinical depression. That's NOT the angle that most intrigues me. I was interested in research that looked at the role of serotonin in relationship health.

One study suggested a link between serotonin depletion and impacted moral judgment and an increase in the desire to harm others. Other research has linked serotonin to the exercise of self-control and to the regulation of inappropriate behaviors. Another study suggests that serotonin "plays a critical role in regulating emotion during social decision-making."

If the results of these studies are true, then paying attention to what depletes serotonin and what restores serotonin could be another key to unlocking the complexities of our human relationships. 

Next blog posts . . . 
The serotonin tank (Part 2 of 3 posts)
Serotonin-healthy relationships (Part 3 of 3 posts)

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Have you ever run down your cell phone to the point it simply went blank? Likely you used it quite a bit, and recharging it just plain didn't happen soon enough.

Marriages can get run down, too. Failing to recharge on a regular basis leaves them as blank as a dead cell phone.

From personal experience I suggest at least three crucial areas to recharge your marriage, and all three areas are encouraged (as opposed to selecting only one or two). And it's important to address these three areas together as a couple (rather than individually), if possible.

1. Put down your spiritual roots. Whether this means reading inspirational scriptures, praying together, listening to uplifting music or quietly observing the beauty of creation around you . . . make sure you are feeding yourselves spiritually. The key is to focus on that which is way bigger than you, to draw strength and hope from resources that have encouraged people for centuries.
2. Courageously express your soul. This probably sounds more scary than it is. But start with simple emotions: What are you glad about? What are you mad about? What are you sad about? What are you afraid of? The listener should not feel compelled to fix anything - just listen supportively. Also take a look at your thoughts: What are you finding fulfilling? What is challenging? What do you find yourself focusing upon?
3. Increase oxygen flow for your body. Several long, slow breaths can bring about amazing results. If you are adventuresome, higher levels of activity like walking, biking, running, rowing, jumping, swimming, etc. all serve to increase oxygen flow. Those with Fitbits or activity trackers have a great feedback tool for making sure your daily goals are achieved.

All three of these areas -- spirit, soul and body -- are interconnected and greatly impact relationships. Seeing them as crucial conduits for recharging your marriage just makes sense.

What have you found helpful in recharging your own marriage?

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

On June 2, 2015 we launched (revived) a weekly post on Tuesdays at 10:10 am that addresses some topic associated with relationship and marriage health. Most can be read quickly within several minutes. Social media notifications are typically sent in the hour or so surrounding Tuesdays, 10:10 am and 10:10 pm.

Here's what we've covered so far: (click on post titles to be taken directly to content)

• 6/2 - How to tune an out of tune marriage
• 6/9 - Sowing and reaping positives
• 6/16 - Getting to know ALL about you . . . (Joy Sherman)
• 6/23 - A fathering mystery among South African elephants
• 6/30 - Our take on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision (Lavern & Ronda Nissley)
• 7/7 - Is independence always a good thing?
• 7/14 - Forgiveness is the healthiest choice (Derek Ellis)
• 7/21 - Health club or hospital? (Don & Alex Flecky)
• 7/28 - Really? An app for relationships?
• 8/4 - No pain, no gain: Remedies for frozen and cold shoulders

These posts are simply our way of sharing our thoughts and insights with those who are interested. Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing!

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog

In late March of this year I began experiencing sharp pains in my left shoulder. At first I thought it was just tendonitis, brought on by random strains. But after examination by professionals and an MRI, I was told that it's a "frozen shoulder", or adhesive capsulitis. Often it is brought on by an injury of some sort.

The remedy? Physical therapy and education. Twelve to fifteen sessions were scheduled to focus upon methodical stretching of various muscles to regain full use. Homework exercises between sessions. All causing pain and discomfort! NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

So the first appointment focused upon assessment, measuring my range of motion, which was quite limited. I couldn't even do the Ohio State "O-H-I-O" arm cheer or fold my arms in front of me - that's how stuck my left shoulder was.

Relationships and marriages can get stuck, too. Often there are relational or emotional injuries that, over time, decrease "range of motion" or healthy responses.

The remedy? Relational therapy and/or education. An investment of time and energy into learning better ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. Homework exercises between sessions. Likely causing pain and discomfort at times! NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

After about 10 physical therapy sessions for the frozen shoulder I can tell a huge difference. One range of motion measurement went from 90 degrees to 154 degrees (target is 180 degrees). 

And I can easily do the Ohio State "O-H-I-O" arm cheer and fold my arms again! I am so grateful for the physical therapists that have come along side me to educate, encourage and help make such a difference.

We've seen the same kinds of progress for stuck relationships and marriages. "Cold shoulders" have progressed to warm embraces and a return of intimacy. But not without effort and discomfort. NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

Note: MRCMV offers many programs and resources to help individuals and couples toward healthy relationships. See the listing of programs and classes.