By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Today I'd like to refer you to an excellent post by Mike McManus in his April 7 Ethics and Religion column. He refers to the recent Time cover story entitled Porn: Why Young Men Who Grew Up With Internet Porn Are Advocates Of Turning It Off.

As a man who used to seek out porn myself, I am fully behind the many efforts to make it as inaccessible as possible. It is truly addictive and destructive to healthy relationships.

Please take about 5 minutes to READ THE POST by Mike McManus. I personally learned of porn use affects I had never heard of before. But I also resonated with the hope and personal freedom when porn is no longer an active part of one's life.

Whether or not you are currently an active porn user, you will benefit from this post. I've chosen to do what I can so that others can experience freedom from one of the most insidious imprisonments ever devised.

If you have another 3 minutes, take a look at the video clip at right that I did several years ago on Getting Unstuck from Multimedia Impurity.

​Will you join me in the battle?

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Yesterday on Facebook I posted how an 11 year old girl sent us a donation and card that really touched us. Here was her message:

"Dear Marriage Resource Center, For Easter I got $6. I have decided that I have everything that I need. So I am going to give all my money to you guys. I am doing this because I feel God is putting it on my heart. I hope you enjoy my money. Happy Easter! May God bless you!"

Her mother later provided some context: "She told me she wanted to use her money to help families since so many have helped ours over the years."

Well, that $6 will definitely help families! Next Monday evening Ronda and I have been invited to speak to 60 men at London Correctional Institution about forgiveness and relationships. We plan to share the RINGS Chat with them and give each of them their own RINGS Chat card.

The cost to print RINGS Chat cards? Only $.10. The cost to provide 60 men with their own cards? $6!

​Truly there is no investment too small or marriage champion too young! Thank you, Lia, for your generous heart!

Guest testimonial by Jessica and Dustin Orner for Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Before mentoring, my husband and I felt like we had a strong relationship. We came from similar backgrounds and had a solid foundation to build on.

We chose to pursue mentoring because we wanted to invest in our marriage and make it the best it could be. Mentoring has been a positive experience for us. We learned many valuable things, but the two that stand out are that it has given us a spirit of self-awareness and an openness to communicate.

We have learned how to identify our part in a conflict or disagreement and how to voice our concerns in a constructive way. We've also learned how to communicate the good, the bad, and the ugly.

There is a definite peace that comes with knowing that no matter how difficult the subject matter, nothing is off limits when it comes to communicating.

Renewal mentoring by Rex and Becki Robinson

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

Have you ever heard of the Vector Principle? It is based upon 360 degrees in a compass where North is 0 or 360, East is 90, South is 180 and West is 270. Airport runways are named according to their directional orientation, like "Runway 18" pointing south (180 degrees).

So what does that have to do with making small positive changes in relationships?

A small heading, or directional, change of say 3 degrees may not appear like much at the start. But following those headings will lead to a huge difference over time and distance.

The picture at right has an airplane bound for Paris making a slight heading deviation of several degrees and ending up in Egypt. Quite a difference!

The vector principle gives hope to those facing marriage and relationship challenges. Even small positive changes now, sustained over time, will lead to a much different outcome than no changes at all.

Our RINGS Experience classes are based upon making small, manageable changes that, over time, make a huge difference. For Ronda and me, the RINGS Chat on a daily basis has us at a much healthier place than if we had never made this small change years ago.

What small positive changes could you make today?

By Lavern Nissley, Tuesday@10:10 blog post

You've heard it many times. "Practice makes perfect". That may be true for certain technical or physical skills like welding, sewing, diving, gymnastics, etc.

But in relationships there is no such thing as perfection. Even couples who have been married and "practicing" for over half a century . . . perfection is quite elusive. In fact, the longer the relationship, the more realistic the expectation that perfection is simply not attainable.

Ron and Cathy Tijerina, co-directors of The Ridge Project in McClure, Ohio, emphasize in their relationship trainings that "practice makes permanent". So while there is no "perfection status" payoff to practicing various skills, couples who keep working on those skills will see increased health, vitality and permanence.

The Tijerina's story of Ron's 15 year incarceration for a crime he didn't commit is chronicled in their book High Five, which includes 5 solid principles for building a forever family:

• Friendship
• Faithfulness
• Forgiveness
• Fairness
• Fortitude

Check out this helpful resource and experience the inspiration of this couple's story of putting into practice 5 principles that not only left their own marriage intact, but that has touched hundreds of other marriages as well.

With perfection out of reach (for you or your partner), you can relax and simply work together on building permanence.

By Lavern Nissley for Tuesday@10:10 blogpost

One of the questions we often ask couples is, "What kind of examples did you have of a healthy marriage?"

Unfortunately, not many couples refer to their own parents as an example to follow. In a room full of 12-15 couples, perhaps 1 or 2 people raise their hands to affirm their own parents' marriage example. Likely the "chilling effect" for many millennials whose parents didn't leave them a healthy marriage legacy is to shy away from marriage altogether.

While no marriage is perfect, wouldn't it be great to see more and more children quickly identifying their own parents as models of healthy marriages? Instead of behaviors to be avoided ("I'll never have a marriage like my parents!"), how refreshing it would be to hear, "My parents gave me a blueprint for what a good/great marriage looks like. I won't settle for anything else."

Think about what your own children would say about your marriage. "Their marriage was characterized by . . ." What words will they use to describe it?

We love working with couples who really want to maximize their marriage health. What a breath of fresh air! They seem motivated NOT to get stuck in a generational rut that leaves both partners damaged and children clueless on how to communicate and resolve conflicts productively.

Often it requires some education, or re-education. Those couples who go through The RINGS Experience (a class we offer for couples) walk away with tangible tools to leave a healthy marriage legacy. Spending time with a healthy couple or two can provide inspiration and motivation to settle for nothing but a beautiful marriage.

If that's your dream, we would love to hear about it and how your own marriage journey is progressing toward it. If you're needing help getting to marriage health, we are glad to help.

By Lavern Nissley for Tuesday@10:10 blogpost

Our 37th anniversary dinner on December 29 kind of ended in a train wreck. Somehow we got into a tangle about expectations surrounding finances. Emotion. Escalation. Exasperation. Things said that we regretted. If you've been married any length of time, you get the picture. More on how it worked out later.

February 7-14 is National Marriage Week, timed to coincide with Valentine's Day. "Love" is a big thing this time of year with all kinds of nice flowers, hearts, candies and items that say "love is in the air". And marriage, of all human relationships, should reflect the presence of love, right?

But is love ALL we need?

No.

Love IS an important ingredient in any human relationship. But, talking marriages now . . . it sure isn't the ONLY thing we need. We also need SKILLS on how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts productively. Without those skills love has a way of "cooling off" and damaging relationships.

The 8 hour RINGS Experience for couples is a way to learn, practice and implement habits and skills that really keep the love "hot". Here's what several people had to say about the class:

• "This class brought us an intimacy level that we had been lacking for about a year."
• "Thank you so much! I had a very negative opinion of this course and marriage prior to today, but WOW, what 8 hours will do!"
• "Great experience! I now feel if we use these tools, our marriage can be saved."

Back to our ill-fated anniversary dinner. We still struggle and have to work hard in our marriage, even after 37 years. But we're so glad for the tools/skills we've acquired along the way to help us navigate the inevitable train wrecks. We were able to talk through our conflict productively in about 30 minutes and end our 37th anniversary on a positive note.

​Love wasn't the only thing we needed. Several simple relationship skills quickly got us back on track after the derailment.